They say greatness isn't achieved unless looked for. They say happiness isn't achieved unless searched for. They say life doesn't exist if not chased after. Here lies, the biggest hipocrisy of society: Life as it is, isn't what exist, but stands as a mere hint of what it should be. And it is that wishful dreaming that people chase after calling it life, calling it society, calling it living.

Small talks, small talks makes up most of what's called a conversation. Pretencious mannerism of a fake smile and an impersonal "Hi" defines socializing. Being 'nice' is all that counts. Meet someone say a few good words and your done for the day. No matter what's going in your gut wrenching thoughts. People stand, as faceless mirrors, bouncing off others' reactions. Go ahead and smile to them, they smile back, stay away and refrain and they stay still as cold mirrors. A mere reflection of your action, is that what defines a society - a mere reflection of what you do?

Interaction, they say consists of more than one input, but if the other's a mere reflection, does that still count as an interaction?
People are big on the my-life's-so-great-that-I-can't-stop-appreciating-you thing. Go ahead and tell a stranger that their hair looks great and they'll smile as if they own the world. So, in a sense, some people like the society to be a mirror. A mirror that reflects their own image - a happy, beautiful image. So, people start searching for the mirrors that reflect themselves as world's greatest creation. They talk to people who admire them, praise them, smile at them. Take it all out and they turn away. The mirror doesn't show the happy image anymore. And so on they move bouncing from one person to the other, looking for mirror after mirror, when all they want to see is their own image.

Narcissism, you call it. But look around, it's normality.
Faceless mirrors bouncing off images, where one shines as long as you shine on them. And then, it's complete cold darkness.

"The selfish theyre all standing in line...
Faith in their hope and to buy themselves time.
Me, I figure as each breath goes by,
I only own my mind." - Eddie Vedder (I am mine)

As usual there're always songs conveying what you are going through right now in life.

Here's an assorted list I picked out:

1.Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve
2.Free Falling - Tom Petty and the heart breakers
3.Fix you - Coldplay
4.Everybody Hurts - REM
5.Stop crying your heart out - Oasis

Things are as crazy as you want them to be. Last week I was talking about how to remain happy, this week I've had one of the busiest rides ever, working under pressure, figuring out things, going to places, heck, it seemed fun to me. When the mind's occupied by thousand crazy things life seems to pass by easily and quite quickly too. Ideal mind's a miserable place.

learned a new thing about myself. Later on I'd definitely be a workaholic, it just seems that I funtion best and enjoy the most when I am most busy. If I've things to do and if it keeps me occupied without overwhelming me, I'd do best.

In contrast, having a day off with nothing to do really takes out the miserable in me. I think through a lot gibbersih, fill my mind with worthless doubts and think as if am the only one sitting idle when the whole world's doing something or the other.

Having something to do, keeping my mind busy does best, am happy, I feel like my time's worth few things and that guilty feeling of wasting time goes away.

So, on being happy:

#Keep yourself Busy. There are a million things to be done. Stop whining.

Happiness is a choice.

Someone once said to me that I'd to start accepting people for who they are and stop wanting them to be the way I'd want them to be.

#1. Accept people for who they are.

And it ringed so true that I'm still stunned. I'd always wanted people to act a certain way, respond in a certain way and be a certain personality as imagined by me. What she made me realise was people aren't the people who you imagine them to be.

#2. Accept everybody around you.

When in a setting with a number of people around, few whom you love to spend some time with and the others you don't care about. I'd always hated the 'others', and it was due to them that I'd even leave the company of people I'd like just because I couldn't stand the people whom I didn't want. Another big mistake. She made me realise this when she acted so well with everyone around her. She was a great company and she taught me that being stubborn really just made me unhappy. Others didn't even have a clue what it all was about.

#3. Don't Imagine stuff and act to it, unless proven otherwise.

She'd said something and you think it over so many times that in the end it becomes a completely different story. And thinking that you'd either stay grumpy all by yourself or show unjustifiable anger. All she sees is you're always angry without any reason.

#4. Be Okay with your situation.

A lot has to do with over-expectations. What you are through presently is what is happening, getting sad over what should've happened or should be happening is pointless.

#5. Happiness is a choice.

Whatever action you take or however you feel is a choice. Being happy is one of the choices. Whatever shit maybe happening I prefer to remain happy is the mantra.

As we grow up we always tend to rethink about our position. We tend to reconsider who we are and actually learn how we are.

One of the most intriguing things I'd learned a few days ago was how less we knew ourselves. We know how we are going to react to something but we tend to overlook why we do so. The process of actually having a reason behind your behaviours really intrigued me.

"There's something in your mind, I know it. I can feel it. Even you know it, but why are you going into the other track? I know you know the answer and I know that you will never say it." --She said.

Knowing your pattern of thoughts and reactions before hand could really explain my erratic behaviours and she said she knew me well enough to know what was in my mind. She even felt what I'd been desperately trying to figure out.

How can it be, some other person actually knows you better than you, yourself.

Theres this feeling of discomfort. I'd miss her always, she'd always be in my thoughts, yet I didn't know what it was. I'd never been so confused and I knew I could/would never answer her question, just as she'd said I'd do.

But how, even I didn't know the answer.

I'd never call it love or infatuation. This time it was something else. I'd not miss her by her thoughts but I'd miss her company, all the talkings, cute expressions, small fights, constant bickerings and by the majority of small frivolous things associated with her. Songs,phrases,that moment captured inside my head,references to her, everything.

What is it?

And the Biggest of all is the complexity of it all. If she'd only been someone else than who she's now, things would've been something else afterall.

Or maybe I am wrong and all of this is just a moment that'd eventually pass by. Many changes are taking place maybe all I'd want is someone by my side who I can retreat to.

But Life's never easy, is it?

The need to be with people who cares for you, the need for you to be with people whom you care about, the need to achieve something for your future, the need to struggle to keep moving ahead.. is this what's life about?

Put your chin up, smile, theres got to be some reason why you'd want to be happy today and these songs just convey that, just try n sing 'em along and you'll know what I mean:

.I Feel good - James Brown
.Free Falling - Tom Petty
.Walk this Way - Aerosmith
.Next Year - Foo Fighters
.The Sweetest Thing - U2
.Jump - Van Halen
.Born to be Wild - Steppen Wolf
.Jailhouse rock - Elvis Presley
.Back in Black - AC/DC (seriously who can sing in that pitch, haha )

Songs that never sucks even when they're played over and over and over again.
1) Every breath you take - Police
2) Wonderwall - Oasis
3) Fear of the dark - Iron Maiden
4) Wish you were here- Pink Floyd
5) Stariways to heaven - Led Zep
6) I can't get no (Satisfaction) - The Rolling Stones
7) Roadhouse Blues - The Doors
8) Layla - Eric Clapton
9) Yesterday - The Beatles
10) Smells like Teen spirit - Nirvana

I will be honest. Right now, I am fighting a downward spiral. Every thing seems to be out of place. I began questioning my future, my present and my past. Worst of all was the way I seriously started thinking about the future. The way I'd seen it was as if I was colourblind. I chose to see only those things which I thought were good to me. I never considered anything else, and now when I see things misplaced I take a long hard look again.

Interesting of all are PEOPLE. The most intriguing, amazing subjects around. And the beautiful part is EXPERIMENTING with it. The way people behave and they way they react to, it's a new discovery everyday. And it's the only way we can actually keep ourselves amused these days.

Going to the realtives whom you never talked to, inviting people you'd never invite or being really nice to that old fart in the bus who keeps asking you what time it is. These days I just am starting to keep myself amused by erratic behaviors and its unexpected responses. It's amazing really and you'd have a good laugh too.

Try changing myself. Experiment with the society. See the Humor in life.

I'd read a saying which beautifully captures my point: "Life's a comedy for those who think and it's a tragedy for those who feel."

Songs for today:

1.Riders on the storm - The Doors.
2.Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- The Beatles
3.All along the watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
4.A Saucer of Secrets - Pink Floyd
5.Good Bye Cruel world - Pink Floyd

"today I woke up and drank coffee"
- Doors.

More than a 10,000 people die of diseases every hour.
More than 1000 people die of smoking every minute.
More than 100 people die of accidents every second
More than 10 people die of some cause every microsecond.
More than 1 person dies without even being born to count the time.

Around the world.

I just want to Congratulate you on being Alive!

1. "Cigarettes and alcohols"- Oasis
2. "Cocaine" - Eric Clapton
3. "Sweet Leaf" - Black Sabbath
4. "Comfortably numb" - Pink Flyod

DAY TWO:

“What’s the story? Morning glory?”

You know desperation can lead you to places where you ought never imagined yourself to be and it tends to make you do things you ought never thought you’d actually do. What am I talking about? Since, yesterday; after my horrific escape from the bronze haired girl, I’ve yet not put off the idea of joining a ridiculous club whose main aim is to well (bite me) : ‘Meet New People’. As if there weren’t many people around already! But some part of it (the club) sparks an oblivious interest in me which is hard to ignore. Call it the loser’s ball or whatever. An open mic event and club-organized parties does seem to impress me a bit. Besides, the whole point is meeting new people (girls, to be precise).

As I lazily slouched off the first quarter of the day waiting inside the bank to deposit some drafts. All I could do was to tolerate the unforgiving teller lady, who took every customer as if they were the ones who were responsible for ruining her life. That be done after she ruined my morning glory with her horrendous ways of doing things. I paced on my bike back to study abroad consultancy. There was nothing much to be done than the regular inquiry and the daily brain-wash the counselor gave. During all the talking, there on the side was this girl (gosh, don’t even remember her name). She sat there, her eyes wide listening to everything we were talking about and obviously understanding nothing. I figured that out, right from her face. She was new to this entire study abroad thing. Woohoo!! A study-abroad virgin. What more did I need?

By the looks of her, she definitely wasn’t from Kathmandu and how precise I was. The way she had dressed, the innocent look on her face and her over-friendliness all proved she wasn’t from my city (Kathmandu). Yeah, girls here tend to be a bit gaudy, are obsessed with themselves and (I don’t know how) always have a boy-friend lying around. It’s as if the girls ratio has decreased in my city to such a point where every girls has either a boy-friend or are the ones with a string of “A” and perfect SAT scores (Duh! The ones who you forced yourself to talk to, just so that you could take her notes??!!).

So, this girl, she had a cute round face, was wearing a multi-coloured scarf, medium-length black hair and all amazed by how much familiar I was with the “application” stuff. Sure enough, at one point the counselor went for his lunch and I had my chance to unravel the painful world of ‘application process’ to our very own “study-abroad virgin”. She was a good listener, yeah like yesterday. Her nails were perfect (no nail-polish), if you were wondering, after reading about yesterday’s frightful event. So, it was good. I was the Mr. Knowledgeable and she was the extra curious girl from Pokhara (yea, that’s where she’s from). Most of the time, I only talked of the whole process and there wasn’t any ‘real’ talk. But she seemed willing, none the less.

It’s a bit scary to ask a girl out straight away after you’ve met her for about half an hour, I figured and set my mind on returning home alone. Besides, it looks she’s just came to my city, she’s probably new to the crazy-desperate-Kathmandu-guys who ask you out as soon as you meet thing. So, I let her pass. The real conversation struck, when I was about to leave and for some reason, I did not. She was smiling; I guessed it was a sign. I yanked out my hand, announced my name (yea, we still hadn’t known each other’s name, and dammit I still can’t remember hers, what’s got into me?).

“I am *blah blah* by the way.” A standard, not too literary, not too shy, not too frank, not too weird, line which is more of a cliché. We shook hands, she told her name. And I started off with my first and quite audacious ‘real’ talk. I started off saying; you are not from Kathmandu I believe. And boy-oh-boy, Mr. Knowledgeable is Mr. Telepathy now. She said a certain area’s name and even if I knew where it was, I acted confused. Then began our talk. One after another and sure I had to bring my rambling of the vacation I had in Pokhara (her city) with quite a few exaggerations (I am being nice!)

I left off early. Courteously asked her if I could give her a lift in my bike, which as imagined, she sweetly and enthusiastically opposed, well, she’s still not used to sitting beside strange guys from strange cities in their strange bikes I believe. But she did give me a hit, we might hit it off if we met quite more than three times.

My mind frame worked, as I repeatedly forced myself to be patient. She’ll come around, am sure of that and so is she. Lets see what a second day following has to offer. As I wheel off in search of a damsel in distress whom I could miraculously save and in the process sweep her off her feet. Make her go head over heels for me and eventually have the honor to dump her after a big fight in the ice-cream parlor (Is that my desperation speaking??) Oh, yeah, almost forgot, I will be joining the Club after all.

"Life's never all haha-and-hehes OR the romantic-sitcoms people watch"

When I got a chance to meet new people the other day. The usual judgements and prejudices overshadowed my new resolution of actually talking to less-attractive girls. Other than the slight nods and "Yeas" or "Nopes", I couldn't utter anything else. Following the long desperation since the person I'd been seeing or at least was interested in seeing went away, I'd been making a resolution of trying out with someone whom I would consider isn't of my idealogical 'type'. Yea, I consider myself a world-class judgemental but tell me who is not. Minor things turns me off. Like, the other day there was this girl, bronze medium length hair, fairly 'okay' looking, drove a motor scooter, had a well propotioned body, wore jeans, not too-much makeup but few light touches and an average Kathmanduite in every way.

Things started out okay. We shared pleasantry and soon found a common topic to talk on to. Speaking of which, not just the body or the face. Lately, its even the voice I'm starting to judge or consider. This girl had a bit mushy dry voice which isn't always a big attractor. But I continued on (I am desperate, remember!). Her reactions to jokes (sense of humor) was good. Not lacking nor having over sense of humor. It was good, her laughs weren't embarrasing nor was it like an elephant's trumpet. My jokes seemed to do justice.

Her smile was pretty good. She wasn't just the 'listener' kind who never talked nor was she the 'chatty' kind who never let you talk. She had a fair Q and A type conversation style, which I preferred. She had not put any body spray, which didn't mean she stank. It was just that she'd not been able to get that extra-point of "sexy with a pleasant smell" bonus. No eye-shadows always meant modest. Which by my standards is perfect.

So till now, considering my desperation, she was fitting the bill. Then came the "minor things". A few good moments later, I noticed her nails. Well, I told you the 'minor things'. Her nails were of the small kinds. The ones which are really small. But it wasn't the length that mattered, it was the careless nail-polish of hers that did. She chewed her nails it seemed which was still okay but the way she'd put on her nail-polish or was lazy enough not to wipe 'em off made her hands seems really unimpressive. And that turned me off? well, not quite yet. Later, came the "I sing a song when am happy" thing. Well, she was uttering this totally off-tune and totally "i-get-nausea-when-I-listen-to-it" kinda song with her raspy voice. That turned me off.Yea, it did. Even more frustrating was that she continued on, as if I were infact applauding her.

You might say, bollocks, what has a song got to do. It has in many levels! First off, our song choices are poles apart which can much tell about one's other choices like movies, various interests and even compatibility. Other than that, when the interests diverge so does interaction. And interactions makes up the second dates, third dates and eventually relationships.

Once turned off. Things started seeming even worse for me. I was already being nauseated as she continued to sing the song in her own world without even bothering that I was becoming tortured right next to her. At this point, the only solution was "escape" or "stop her from singing". The second option might have been a good choice but once turned off, her nose seemed longer, her eyes too wide apart, her bronze hair looked strange and so on. I had to leave. Judgemental or not, I yet couldn't keep my resolution and opted the friendly, "it-was-nice-meeting-you-(shake hands)*hope-we-never-meet-again*" manoeuvre.

After that I ran like I'd run away from an explosion. All the way back to the house, I'd tried convincing myself of what could have happened if I'd eventually gone out with her. The desperate and the eclectic has created a new tension for which rarely is there a win-win situation. Throughout the busy, cool breezed, orange-colour skied Kathmandu Valley, I bet there'll be one who'd fit the bill perfectly. Just have to have the patience to keep the desperate from daring something I'd later regret.

I have been "tagged", it seems so:

1. I am ... (much)Sober.
2. I will ... be patient.
3. I want ... you to want me, I luv u to(wat?, its a catchy song)
4. I see ... a vision(ahh, the intellect)
5. I need ...someone to hold on to (sob!)

I now tag:
Abilene
Kiki
BuzzyB
teabag

Hope, I played it correct.