DoOR15

I sit by the christmas lights like I'd promised myself to do so. There's something when ur senses are altered. Lights, music, the sense of being... everything seems more vibrant, more full of life than they ever could be. Makes me think if it's my life that's out of vibrancy that results in altered states being so full of everything. Just it maybe, I'm still looking for that passion.

Recent events have turned out to be so far away from different than I'd every imagined it to be. Life has taken like a wild imaginary turn. Where it seems that I'm finally living in the pages. But is this the page I wanted to be in is the true question. Unexpected turns are scary but so is life. But scared of what? Why try so hard to hold on to?

Tore two pictures. Has the passion really gone?! did it ever really begin? Words after words...
Dance party last night was amazing. I was drunk enough to command the dancefloor and manage to dance without holding myself down.Danced with a girl I knew from work but had never talked to. She was drunk, I was drunk. saw her at the dancefloor. She approached, a big grin on her face, as if she'd almost say, "Finally someone I know." She held out her hand, as an invitation to a celebration. My mind was spinning in turns but yet balanced enough to accept her invitation to this dazzling new world of moving bodies, booming sound, smiles and laughter everywhere, lights collided, sweaty hands slid against eachother, a contagious vibe of movement took grip. I took her hand, and manuvered myself against her. I was confident, not something I usually am.

This abandonment of self-imposed restrictions is what altered states can generate. Be it in terms of confidence or creativity.

Now we were swaying to the tune of the music. Her body moved,there was a groove to that moves.I quickly learned to match her groove. She responded. I held on to her tighter. She moved closer. Now there was a certain rythm in our movement. Both recognized that it was our rythm. Bodies moved on. By now I had enough confidence to wrap her around me. I rested my chin around her neck from the back. She smiled lightly.

Music commanded attention. The loudness of speakers seemed to carry people away from the presence into this fast-beat based world.

Soon to know I started kissing her. Her cheeks were soft, cold, not cold but cool enough to freshen up your lips with every peck. She didn't move away. I approached more. Kissing her even longer. She held tight to my hand.

Music boomed louder by the second but it almost seemed everything around had blurred, noone was seeing, everyone blurred in their own worlds of hypnotic movements.

I look at my clock now again. Here, writing this. It's 2:35 AM, still by the christmas lights waiting...

It's amazing how the very thing am waiting for is something that I've decided to take my mind out of.She'd called last night. After I returned from the dance, I soon separate from the dancer girl. The person whom I was on the phone with at 4 in the morning was someone else, not the dance girl. This girl was someone whom I thought I'd fallen in love with. The situation here was so complex that it was even messier than the affair I'd been in a year ago. She was on the phone, crying. It was a call for help. She was still trying to get over her last love. She had this boyfriend for last six years. As she'd stessfully said in tears on the phone. She'd loved this guy with everything she'd got. Loved him more than anything. I stay silent and listen. It was 4 in the morning. She's heart-broken mumbling how disappointed she is with how thing turned around with her last boyfriend. She has this amazing ability to throw me completely into such a depression that noone has quiet achieved so far besides her. She's crying again, telling me how it's hurting her. I close my eyes, listening. It's like if someone else were laughing at me. Here I was, I almost loved this girl. Sent her songs, letters, bought her stuffed animals, took her to palces to eat, kissed her more than once. And here she was on the phone with me, crying how her last and maybe only love ended. She seemed hurt. I always sympathized with her for some reason.But today in such a drunken state I was thinking about myself. She kept rambling on how I would not be able to understand her pain. I hadn't even said anything. She kept on going with her broken dreams. I was thinking about myself, so that brought me to a point where I couldn't listen to her anymore. I shouted out, take a hold of yourself. I stood in control, telling her how whatever may have happened was in the past and she was not living in the present. I even went so far as to tell her that if she doesn't recognize people in her present, they're gonna leave. Making her alone again. Of course, the people in the present was just me whom I'd implied to be. She did take a hit, because until now I'd never taken control but always let her sway me with her emotions. Like I'd let myself sway with the dancer girl's rhythms. I'd always let her sway me leaving me feel miserable about my life also. But last night I took control. I had enough emotional downpours. I raised my voice a little and ranted on indirectly how I'll not be there in the future if she doesn't acknowledge me now in her life.I still think I love her. But oh, love is so elusive!
She responded by feeling a little secure. Her voice changed, she asked me why I cared for her so much and was listening to her bullshit at 5 in the morning. I replied by saying that her emotional downpour was just a part of herself. And how as a whole I liked her, even with her emotional downpour, which was a part of who she was. I liked her enough to accept her emotional downpours. I meant it like that, and by god I thought of that the fastest and in the most deepest way. Her voice made me feel she was more secured now.
But after a while she went again with how her life seems so out of balance. And she doesn't like anything of it. Ouch, another blow. Among the things she doesn't like about her life now would also have to be me. I take a pain, chest on. Swallow it tough. Take a courage to tell her I couldn't help her anymore, neither anyone could, not even god could but herself. I extended that note on other similar sentences and then agreed politely to put the phone down.

I felt I'd grown. Now finally able to face life with noone else's need. Take life as an independent self without the need to share it with anyone. I felt I'd grown.

Here I write, still besides the christmas lights, out early so before christmas. Beautiful but not in it's designated time. Just like everything in my life. Here I am still besides those christmas lights, listening to the most heart-broken song, singing about how the singer's gonna be okay even though he couldn't get her. The singer sings on how he will keep on singing that song to her knowing he could never get her. Fitting, a part of my mind says. I look at the clock 3:00AM and she hadn't called today. No, not yet. Why am I still looking at the clock and waiting to see if she would call me when I don't even want to talk to her. I want her out of mind and I think that am gonna be fine without her, but yet fear so much to even think of a time without her. She was the one who shared the same weird interests like me. She was the rare one who completely understood the states of my mind. Yet, here she was still taking the pain of her first love. Her childhood love. Her first look at life in a way of love. Those fantasies she still held on to, comparing it with reality, calling it a big disappointment. It's almost like she lived in those lovable dreams soo much that she believed it to be the truth. But unexpected turns threw her out to a place she could only cry about and calling it a disappointment.
Where did I even fit into that story, I never did. I never will. It's such a private affair to her heart that it will never see the person right next to her, desparetly trying to make her see some kind of happiness in reality too. But dreams are too closer to her. She would enjoy the reality but still get sad over the shattered dreams.

There I stood feeling like I was holding on to someone so tight to make her not feel lonely, but there she was with her eyes elsewhere reaching out her hand trying to grasp on that dream again, tears flowing thru her eyes, her mouth open, still trying to get back to her dream. All I felt I could do was hold even tighter and cry my own sorrow. Until last night when I tried releasing her off the hold. Maybe it was me, who was making her long the dreams even more.

Maybe it was me all over again, good but so not designated for its time. Like these early Christmas lights!

It's 3:45 and I just ignored her call.

Music's never like it used to be. It's more important part of my life now. There isn't a day without listening to it. A moment I'd have to say. Or maybe it's just the fact that I've been smoking a lot these days.
I used to be the preacher, telling people to not smoke alone. Telling people that smoking should be a group activity. But, now it's me smoking alone. Listening to the music. Traveling to places, no one will ever see. Patterns interweave, colors smother around, shapes inter-collide, and the mind just take turns.

It's trying to fill a void in life. But what void? I grew up a normal child. My parents always loved me. I was never bullied and I always had a few friends around to talk with. But there's a void. I dont know what I am looking for.

Smoking always seemed as a cool act. When other people talked about it. They made it sound like it was the biggest achievement they ever made. Heck, I was among those people. They say it's never physically addictive. And it's not. But it can get you psychologically. When there's a void. Smoking seems a good option.

Music . now seems to get even stranger. Buddha Bar, that's what am listening to. Collective tracks of weird beats, chill music they say it is. But I was never into trance. It seemed very strange to me.

Since I got fired from my second job, things seem to tumble down. Working two jobs made life easy. At least for me. I was so busy the entire day that weeks seemed to pass by in seconds. I had no free time. And no free time, always meant no alone time. See when am free, I feel alone. I dont have anything to do. Walking amongst a group of strangers on the street. Going inside a bookstore and looking at the titles from the psychology section and getting creeped out by Bold titles flying at you that said stuffs like, "Why is my life not perfect?", "Getting out of depression", "How to find your true love", "How to be Happy". I ran away.

Maybe they were the true reality. Maybe they are just stuffs to make you feel incomplete. And who made the rule that you need to have a set of elements to make your life complete?

Blogging in itself has become more of a commercial thing it seems. People posts pictures and write stuff that other people find easy to digest. They posts jokes. They post news. What is it about? Does it say something about you? Or does it only increase the number of people watching your page?>!

I tend to scroll down and up in my phone looking at the names of people whom I can get the stuff from. I scroll down, trying to press the dial button and asking for something to smoke tonight. But I restrain, why?

Why do I prefer working more rather than having more free time?! Does it say something about my life that seems more mundane than the working environment? or does it say something about me?!

They say greatness isn't achieved unless looked for. They say happiness isn't achieved unless searched for. They say life doesn't exist if not chased after. Here lies, the biggest hipocrisy of society: Life as it is, isn't what exist, but stands as a mere hint of what it should be. And it is that wishful dreaming that people chase after calling it life, calling it society, calling it living.

Small talks, small talks makes up most of what's called a conversation. Pretencious mannerism of a fake smile and an impersonal "Hi" defines socializing. Being 'nice' is all that counts. Meet someone say a few good words and your done for the day. No matter what's going in your gut wrenching thoughts. People stand, as faceless mirrors, bouncing off others' reactions. Go ahead and smile to them, they smile back, stay away and refrain and they stay still as cold mirrors. A mere reflection of your action, is that what defines a society - a mere reflection of what you do?

Interaction, they say consists of more than one input, but if the other's a mere reflection, does that still count as an interaction?
People are big on the my-life's-so-great-that-I-can't-stop-appreciating-you thing. Go ahead and tell a stranger that their hair looks great and they'll smile as if they own the world. So, in a sense, some people like the society to be a mirror. A mirror that reflects their own image - a happy, beautiful image. So, people start searching for the mirrors that reflect themselves as world's greatest creation. They talk to people who admire them, praise them, smile at them. Take it all out and they turn away. The mirror doesn't show the happy image anymore. And so on they move bouncing from one person to the other, looking for mirror after mirror, when all they want to see is their own image.

Narcissism, you call it. But look around, it's normality.
Faceless mirrors bouncing off images, where one shines as long as you shine on them. And then, it's complete cold darkness.

"The selfish theyre all standing in line...
Faith in their hope and to buy themselves time.
Me, I figure as each breath goes by,
I only own my mind." - Eddie Vedder (I am mine)

As usual there're always songs conveying what you are going through right now in life.

Here's an assorted list I picked out:

1.Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve
2.Free Falling - Tom Petty and the heart breakers
3.Fix you - Coldplay
4.Everybody Hurts - REM
5.Stop crying your heart out - Oasis

Things are as crazy as you want them to be. Last week I was talking about how to remain happy, this week I've had one of the busiest rides ever, working under pressure, figuring out things, going to places, heck, it seemed fun to me. When the mind's occupied by thousand crazy things life seems to pass by easily and quite quickly too. Ideal mind's a miserable place.

learned a new thing about myself. Later on I'd definitely be a workaholic, it just seems that I funtion best and enjoy the most when I am most busy. If I've things to do and if it keeps me occupied without overwhelming me, I'd do best.

In contrast, having a day off with nothing to do really takes out the miserable in me. I think through a lot gibbersih, fill my mind with worthless doubts and think as if am the only one sitting idle when the whole world's doing something or the other.

Having something to do, keeping my mind busy does best, am happy, I feel like my time's worth few things and that guilty feeling of wasting time goes away.

So, on being happy:

#Keep yourself Busy. There are a million things to be done. Stop whining.

Happiness is a choice.

Someone once said to me that I'd to start accepting people for who they are and stop wanting them to be the way I'd want them to be.

#1. Accept people for who they are.

And it ringed so true that I'm still stunned. I'd always wanted people to act a certain way, respond in a certain way and be a certain personality as imagined by me. What she made me realise was people aren't the people who you imagine them to be.

#2. Accept everybody around you.

When in a setting with a number of people around, few whom you love to spend some time with and the others you don't care about. I'd always hated the 'others', and it was due to them that I'd even leave the company of people I'd like just because I couldn't stand the people whom I didn't want. Another big mistake. She made me realise this when she acted so well with everyone around her. She was a great company and she taught me that being stubborn really just made me unhappy. Others didn't even have a clue what it all was about.

#3. Don't Imagine stuff and act to it, unless proven otherwise.

She'd said something and you think it over so many times that in the end it becomes a completely different story. And thinking that you'd either stay grumpy all by yourself or show unjustifiable anger. All she sees is you're always angry without any reason.

#4. Be Okay with your situation.

A lot has to do with over-expectations. What you are through presently is what is happening, getting sad over what should've happened or should be happening is pointless.

#5. Happiness is a choice.

Whatever action you take or however you feel is a choice. Being happy is one of the choices. Whatever shit maybe happening I prefer to remain happy is the mantra.

As we grow up we always tend to rethink about our position. We tend to reconsider who we are and actually learn how we are.

One of the most intriguing things I'd learned a few days ago was how less we knew ourselves. We know how we are going to react to something but we tend to overlook why we do so. The process of actually having a reason behind your behaviours really intrigued me.

"There's something in your mind, I know it. I can feel it. Even you know it, but why are you going into the other track? I know you know the answer and I know that you will never say it." --She said.

Knowing your pattern of thoughts and reactions before hand could really explain my erratic behaviours and she said she knew me well enough to know what was in my mind. She even felt what I'd been desperately trying to figure out.

How can it be, some other person actually knows you better than you, yourself.

Theres this feeling of discomfort. I'd miss her always, she'd always be in my thoughts, yet I didn't know what it was. I'd never been so confused and I knew I could/would never answer her question, just as she'd said I'd do.

But how, even I didn't know the answer.

I'd never call it love or infatuation. This time it was something else. I'd not miss her by her thoughts but I'd miss her company, all the talkings, cute expressions, small fights, constant bickerings and by the majority of small frivolous things associated with her. Songs,phrases,that moment captured inside my head,references to her, everything.

What is it?

And the Biggest of all is the complexity of it all. If she'd only been someone else than who she's now, things would've been something else afterall.

Or maybe I am wrong and all of this is just a moment that'd eventually pass by. Many changes are taking place maybe all I'd want is someone by my side who I can retreat to.

But Life's never easy, is it?

The need to be with people who cares for you, the need for you to be with people whom you care about, the need to achieve something for your future, the need to struggle to keep moving ahead.. is this what's life about?

Put your chin up, smile, theres got to be some reason why you'd want to be happy today and these songs just convey that, just try n sing 'em along and you'll know what I mean:

.I Feel good - James Brown
.Free Falling - Tom Petty
.Walk this Way - Aerosmith
.Next Year - Foo Fighters
.The Sweetest Thing - U2
.Jump - Van Halen
.Born to be Wild - Steppen Wolf
.Jailhouse rock - Elvis Presley
.Back in Black - AC/DC (seriously who can sing in that pitch, haha )

Songs that never sucks even when they're played over and over and over again.
1) Every breath you take - Police
2) Wonderwall - Oasis
3) Fear of the dark - Iron Maiden
4) Wish you were here- Pink Floyd
5) Stariways to heaven - Led Zep
6) I can't get no (Satisfaction) - The Rolling Stones
7) Roadhouse Blues - The Doors
8) Layla - Eric Clapton
9) Yesterday - The Beatles
10) Smells like Teen spirit - Nirvana

I will be honest. Right now, I am fighting a downward spiral. Every thing seems to be out of place. I began questioning my future, my present and my past. Worst of all was the way I seriously started thinking about the future. The way I'd seen it was as if I was colourblind. I chose to see only those things which I thought were good to me. I never considered anything else, and now when I see things misplaced I take a long hard look again.

Interesting of all are PEOPLE. The most intriguing, amazing subjects around. And the beautiful part is EXPERIMENTING with it. The way people behave and they way they react to, it's a new discovery everyday. And it's the only way we can actually keep ourselves amused these days.

Going to the realtives whom you never talked to, inviting people you'd never invite or being really nice to that old fart in the bus who keeps asking you what time it is. These days I just am starting to keep myself amused by erratic behaviors and its unexpected responses. It's amazing really and you'd have a good laugh too.

Try changing myself. Experiment with the society. See the Humor in life.

I'd read a saying which beautifully captures my point: "Life's a comedy for those who think and it's a tragedy for those who feel."

Songs for today:

1.Riders on the storm - The Doors.
2.Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- The Beatles
3.All along the watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
4.A Saucer of Secrets - Pink Floyd
5.Good Bye Cruel world - Pink Floyd

"today I woke up and drank coffee"
- Doors.

More than a 10,000 people die of diseases every hour.
More than 1000 people die of smoking every minute.
More than 100 people die of accidents every second
More than 10 people die of some cause every microsecond.
More than 1 person dies without even being born to count the time.

Around the world.

I just want to Congratulate you on being Alive!

1. "Cigarettes and alcohols"- Oasis
2. "Cocaine" - Eric Clapton
3. "Sweet Leaf" - Black Sabbath
4. "Comfortably numb" - Pink Flyod

DAY TWO:

“What’s the story? Morning glory?”

You know desperation can lead you to places where you ought never imagined yourself to be and it tends to make you do things you ought never thought you’d actually do. What am I talking about? Since, yesterday; after my horrific escape from the bronze haired girl, I’ve yet not put off the idea of joining a ridiculous club whose main aim is to well (bite me) : ‘Meet New People’. As if there weren’t many people around already! But some part of it (the club) sparks an oblivious interest in me which is hard to ignore. Call it the loser’s ball or whatever. An open mic event and club-organized parties does seem to impress me a bit. Besides, the whole point is meeting new people (girls, to be precise).

As I lazily slouched off the first quarter of the day waiting inside the bank to deposit some drafts. All I could do was to tolerate the unforgiving teller lady, who took every customer as if they were the ones who were responsible for ruining her life. That be done after she ruined my morning glory with her horrendous ways of doing things. I paced on my bike back to study abroad consultancy. There was nothing much to be done than the regular inquiry and the daily brain-wash the counselor gave. During all the talking, there on the side was this girl (gosh, don’t even remember her name). She sat there, her eyes wide listening to everything we were talking about and obviously understanding nothing. I figured that out, right from her face. She was new to this entire study abroad thing. Woohoo!! A study-abroad virgin. What more did I need?

By the looks of her, she definitely wasn’t from Kathmandu and how precise I was. The way she had dressed, the innocent look on her face and her over-friendliness all proved she wasn’t from my city (Kathmandu). Yeah, girls here tend to be a bit gaudy, are obsessed with themselves and (I don’t know how) always have a boy-friend lying around. It’s as if the girls ratio has decreased in my city to such a point where every girls has either a boy-friend or are the ones with a string of “A” and perfect SAT scores (Duh! The ones who you forced yourself to talk to, just so that you could take her notes??!!).

So, this girl, she had a cute round face, was wearing a multi-coloured scarf, medium-length black hair and all amazed by how much familiar I was with the “application” stuff. Sure enough, at one point the counselor went for his lunch and I had my chance to unravel the painful world of ‘application process’ to our very own “study-abroad virgin”. She was a good listener, yeah like yesterday. Her nails were perfect (no nail-polish), if you were wondering, after reading about yesterday’s frightful event. So, it was good. I was the Mr. Knowledgeable and she was the extra curious girl from Pokhara (yea, that’s where she’s from). Most of the time, I only talked of the whole process and there wasn’t any ‘real’ talk. But she seemed willing, none the less.

It’s a bit scary to ask a girl out straight away after you’ve met her for about half an hour, I figured and set my mind on returning home alone. Besides, it looks she’s just came to my city, she’s probably new to the crazy-desperate-Kathmandu-guys who ask you out as soon as you meet thing. So, I let her pass. The real conversation struck, when I was about to leave and for some reason, I did not. She was smiling; I guessed it was a sign. I yanked out my hand, announced my name (yea, we still hadn’t known each other’s name, and dammit I still can’t remember hers, what’s got into me?).

“I am *blah blah* by the way.” A standard, not too literary, not too shy, not too frank, not too weird, line which is more of a cliché. We shook hands, she told her name. And I started off with my first and quite audacious ‘real’ talk. I started off saying; you are not from Kathmandu I believe. And boy-oh-boy, Mr. Knowledgeable is Mr. Telepathy now. She said a certain area’s name and even if I knew where it was, I acted confused. Then began our talk. One after another and sure I had to bring my rambling of the vacation I had in Pokhara (her city) with quite a few exaggerations (I am being nice!)

I left off early. Courteously asked her if I could give her a lift in my bike, which as imagined, she sweetly and enthusiastically opposed, well, she’s still not used to sitting beside strange guys from strange cities in their strange bikes I believe. But she did give me a hit, we might hit it off if we met quite more than three times.

My mind frame worked, as I repeatedly forced myself to be patient. She’ll come around, am sure of that and so is she. Lets see what a second day following has to offer. As I wheel off in search of a damsel in distress whom I could miraculously save and in the process sweep her off her feet. Make her go head over heels for me and eventually have the honor to dump her after a big fight in the ice-cream parlor (Is that my desperation speaking??) Oh, yeah, almost forgot, I will be joining the Club after all.